Nice tool belt
The number 0 was out walking one day when in the distance the number 8 came walking by as they passed each other the number 0 makes they comment to number 8 "Nice tool belt".
From G. Brock

New Plans
At present we are working out the plan for our new house and Ross thought he had the plan - he had managed to fit all the bits in and it looked good that is until he realized he had forgotten to include the bathroom, toilet and laundry.

Oh well he had the en suite for him so why worry about everyone else and he had his large workshop and huge double garage and nothing else is important after all. Needless to say it was back to the drawing board.
From G. Bennett

honorable lies
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happily.

One day while he was walking with his wife along the riverbank, the woodcutter's wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You cheat! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You will come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also say 'no' to her, You will thirdly come up with my wife, and I will say 'yes,' and then all three will be given to me.
But Lord, I am a poor man and I will not be able to take care of all three wives, so that's why I said yes this time."

The moral of the story is whenever a man lies it is for an honorable and useful reason.
From J. Hefford

Good to be a man
# Great Reasons to be a Man Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
# A 5-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
# You can open all your own jars.
# Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
# You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
# You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.
# You can leave the motel bed unmade.
# You can kill your own food.
# You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

switch on
A major much-awaited concert to be attended by tens of thousands is about to start in an hour when the sound system breaks down.

The concert manager calls the best-known expert in the city to fix it. The expert arrives promptly, spends five minutes studying the system and then flicks a switch at the back and, voila, the system is back up.

He turns to the manager and says, "It is fixed. That would be one thousand and five dollars."

The manager, surprised at the tab, quizzes the expert, "One thousand and five dollars to flick one switch?"

The expert smiles and replies, "It's just five dollars to flick the switch.

The thousand bucks is to know which switch to flick."
From N. Stringer

car problems
A wife comes home and tells her husband, "Dear, something is wrong with my car. It's got water in the carburetor."

The husband replies, "That's not possible."

The wife insists, "Well, it has water in the carburetor."

"You cannot have water in the carburetor," says the husband.

"Well," says the wife, "my car has it."

The husband gets up and sighs, "OK, fine. Where is the car?"

The wife points toward the backyard, "In the swimming pool."
From S. Vluggen

no paint
A Scottish shopkeeper will only sell paint to husbands if they bring a signed note from their wives, saying he's fed up with men changing paint because their wives hate the color
From C. Garcia

French soldiers
q.-What's the difference between toast and the French?

A.- You can make soldiers out of toast.
From Gary

DIYer
Q: How do you tell a bad DIYer from an experienced pro?

A: The experienced guy can still count to ten on both hands.
From J. Dillon

Local lingo
A city couple purchased a cottage in a rural area. As the husband was doing some repairs, he sent his wife to the lumber yard to buy some nails.

She decided that she would try to act like the local residents so as not to draw attention to herself, so she just casually browsed while the clerk waited on another customer.

"I'll take that big bastard," the customer said to the clerk.

The clerk smiled and handed him a file, "Is there anything else besides this bastard you need?"

"No that'll be it for now." the customer replied.

When the customer leaves the woman walks up to the counter and points to the 2" nails, "Give me two pounds of those sons a bitches."
From J. Dillon

find the length
Q. How do you measure the height of a building with a barometer.

A. Go to the top of the building and tie the barometer on to a piece of string and lower it to the ground and then measure the length of the string.
From L. Berquist

car painting
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
From Andrew

battery blonde
What's the difference between a blond and a Battery?

A Battery has a positive side.
From Andrew

painted
We where told by my father to leave the house for the day as he was to do some painting. Mum thought it a bit strange that he needed the whole day for such a small job but agreed it would be nice to have a day out.

When we came home later that evening there was a pretty big shock install for us as dad had painted the whole house[interior].Mum went off her face and poor dad just stood there like a stunned mullet,until she finally let him get a word in.

"What's the problem he asked I've painted everything like you asked".To which she calmly replied ,"Yes dear but I asked you to leave everything and just paint the loo,not paint everything blue".

[ Walls maybe but Cupboard doors & the Bench top,YUK.]
From T. Harris

Father O'Malley
Father O'Malley answers the phone...

"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"

"It is."

"This is the IRD. Can you help us?"

"I can."

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

"I do."

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is."

"Did he donate $10,000.00?"

(pause)

"He will."
From H. Gibson

THINK!
In the men's room at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "Think!"

The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- "Thoap!"
From M. Steed

Off Duty
An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate.

The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result.

"This guy must have screwed up the settings," the off-duty officer thought.

A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets: each for not wearing a seat belt!
From J. Smith