skin graft
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
From B. Russell

coming or going
Why do builders have see-through Tupperware lunchboxes?

So they know if they are going to work or going home.
From H. de Thierry

"SUPPLIES!!"
After returning to the building site from purchasing supplies at the local hardware shop the foreman addressed his workman and delegated the days duties.

" Tom, take Jim and Chris down and finish digging out the drainage ditch, Bill keep running the electricity leads and Wong, you're in charge of the supplies"

The men went about their designated duties and it wasn't until some hours later that the foreman realized that the supplies were still in the back of the truck. Not seeing Wong anywhere around the foreman went in search of his wayward worker.

Just as the foreman had given up hope, Wong jumped out from behind a drum and yelled, "SUPPLIES!!"
From T. Jensen

The Moped vs The Ferrari
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand new Ferrari 550. It is also the most expensive car it the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (about 75 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"

The young man replies, "A Ferrari 550. It cost half a million dollars!" "That's a lot of money, "says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!" Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!!!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped. Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosh!

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do. Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear. The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my Gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers with his dying breath, "Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror."
From T. Rayner

blonde?
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette ?

A: Artificial intelligence.
From Angela

Any dog? Q. Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist who was also an insomniac?

A. He couldn't sleep at night for wondering if there was such a thing as a dog.
From B. Kaul

wrong route
Paddy and Mick are walking home after a night on the beer. They've got no money to get a taxi and are staggering all over the place when they find themselves outside a bus depot.

Paddy has a brainwave and says to Mick "Get in there and steal a bus so we can drive home and I'll stay out here and look out for the police"

Mick duly breaks into the depot and is gone for twenty minutes while Paddy is wondering what the hell he is doing. Eventually Paddy sticks his head around the door and sees Mick running from bus to bus looking very worried.

"What in are you doing Mick, get a move on!"

To which Mick replies " I can't find a number 7 anywhere Paddy"

Where upon Paddy, holding his hands to his head in disbelief, shouts "You idiot Mick, steal a number 9 and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way!"
From R. Hampton

Never mind.
I have a husband who has been building a kitchen since December last year and all that we have is an oven tower, the pantry is cut out but as the walls are not straight and the floor is crooked, it has only made it worse. I have to cook on our B.B.Q every night even when it rains. I know I should be thankful as I finally have a ceiling in my new kitchen. By the time it is finished it will be an old kitchen.
From V. Cook

"No idea"
Q. "What do you call a deer that's lost it's left eye?
A. "No idea"

Q. "What do you call a deer that's lost it's right leg and it's left eye?"
A. "Still no idea"

Q. "What do you call a deer that's lost it's right leg, left eye, and is caught in a bush fire?"
A. "Still no flammin' idea"
From F. Gillard

Blonde Builders
Two blonde builders were working on a house. One blonde was on a ladder nailing.

She'd reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood.

The other blonde couldn't stand it any longer and yelled up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?"

The first blonde explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it!"

The second blonde got real excited and called her all kinds of names, explaining, "Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house!!"
From K. Emmens

mild-mannered
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, 'From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'

'The funeral director,' said his wife.
From D. Carter

How long?
Some builders drove into their local timber yard.

One of the men walked into the yard office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The storeman asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.

He returned and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."

"All right. How long do you need them?" asked the storeman,

The man paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."

After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
From J. Bauman

"GREEN SIDE UP!"
Bob the builder was going through a house he had just built with the woman who owned it. She was telling him what color to paint each room. They went into the first room and she said "I want this room to be painted a light blue." The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be bright red. The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be tan. The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

When he came back, the lady was pretty curious, so she asked him "I keep telling you colors, but you go out the front and yell green side up; what is that for?

The builder said, "Oh don't worry about that, I've got a couple of Irishmen laying the turf out front."
From N. Bennan

dog called 'Mace'
There was a handyman who had a dog called 'Mace' that thought he was part horse as he had the peculiar habit of eating grass... he was just as good, if not better than a lawnmower!

Anyway, one day, the handyman lost his wrench in the tall grass around where he was working and try as he might he couldn't find it. As it was getting dark he gave up for the night. Next day when he went outside, he saw that Mace, his dog, had eaten all the grass around where he had been working, and his wrench was now in clear sight.

Going over to pick it up, he called the dog over to him and said, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me."
From A. Quin

slogins
Local ad for a Plumber: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip - call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one Weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello, can we pick your nose?"

Sign at the psychic's Hotline: "Don't call us, we'll call you."

At a Laundry Shop: "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"

At a Towing Company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

Billboard on the side of the road: "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."

On an Electricians truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a Non-smoking Area: "If we see smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On Maternity Room Door: "Push, Push, Push."

At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what your looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

On a Butchers window: "Let me meat your needs."

On a fence: "Salesman Welcome, Dog food is expensive."

At a car Dealership : "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment Necessary, we hear you coming."

Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman and the 2nd one just left."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay! "

At the Electric Company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be."

On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."

In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."
From M. Dartnall