empty room
Six DIY enthusiasts were cramped together in one of their bathrooms, all carrying out different types of work, from plastering to plumbing, with no room to move, let alone breathe.

One of their wives on observing the tight squeeze in her en suite quipped to her best friend,"There's alot of empty space in there."
From J. McConachie

dress up
Question: Why did the man wear three coats in the middle of the summer?

Answer: Because he was painting and the paint bucket said to put three coats on...
From A. Santino

deaf crim
The crime boss and his attorney meet with his accountant. "Where's the $3 million you embezzled from me?" demands the gangster.

The accountant is silent.

"Where's my $3 million?" the crime boss shouts.

The lawyer explains, "Sir, the man is deaf. Allow me to translate." So using sign language, the attorney asks the accountant about the money, and the message is relayed back that the accountant knows nothing about it.

Furious, the crime boss pulls out a revolver and puts it to the deaf accountant's head, screaming at the lawyer, "Ask him again where my money is!"

"Okay!Okay!" the deaf accountant sighs back. "The money's hidden behind the old toolshed in my back yard."

"What did he say?" demands the enraged crime boss.

The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
From Kent

hit-and-run
The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help.

"My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop.

"The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?"

"I recognized her laugh!"
From A. L.

"Get me my red shirt."
In the days of old sailing ships the captain of the Seahawk went out on deck to get some fresh air, when from above a cry came down from the crow's nest: "Enemy ship off the port bow!" The captain said to the ensign standing next to him, "Get me my red shirt." A battle ensued and the Seahawk prevailed.

Two weeks later the captain was again on deck when another cry came from the crow's nest, "Two enemy ships off the starboard bow!" The captain again says to the ensign, "Get me my red shirt."

After the battle was won the ensign asked the captain why he tells him to get his red shirt. The captain said that if he is wounded and the blood begins to flow the crew will not see that he was injured and keep on fighting.

The crew overheard this and was proud to have such a brave captain leading them. A week later another cry came from the crow's nest, "TEN enemy ships approaching!"

The captain said to his ensign, "Get me my brown pants!"
From O. Osborne

two chickens
There are two chickens in the window shop. One of them beautifully round and pink, of the very good size. Another is skinny and blueish. The good looking says to the skinny one

- Look at you, so ugly and revolting. No one would ever want to buy you and I wonder who would want to eat you. - May be so, but at least I died of natural causes, - replied the skinny.
From Nefrol

elderly ladies
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
From The Rayners

injury claims
Years ago I was reviewing for workers compensation insurance and I received a claim from Bill, a telephone linesman. Bill's work group had a reputation for bad language and had been warned to watch their language. The claim form asked two particularly poignant questions:

1. Provide a brief description of the accident:

Bill's response: "I was holding a ladder for Fred who was working twenty feet up the ladder. Fred dropped the twenty pound hammer onto my foot unfortunately crushing my big toe and fracturing my ankle."

2. What did you do immediately after the accident:

Bill's response: "I looked up at Fred and said, ' Really Fred you must be more careful!' "
From J. Grenfell

engineers
There are four engineers traveling in a car. One is a mechanical engineer, one a chemical engineer, one an electrical engineer and the other one an engineer from Microsoft. The car breaks down.

"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again," says the mechanical engineer.

"Well," says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system."

"I thought it might be a grounding problem," says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead."

They all turn to the Microsoft engineer who has said nothing. They ask him, "What do you think?"

"Well, I think we should close all the windows, get out, get back in, and open the windows again."
From F. Jones

more jargon
The jam thief had his own jargon.

If you give some managers an inch they think they're a ruler.

Small people are in short supply.
From L. Craig

appreciation
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.

"When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."
From E. Dyson

nice monkey
One morning, a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus the driver says "Wow, that is one ugly baby."

The woman was deeply hurt. She continued to get on to the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The man asked her, "What's wrong? You look mad."

She replied, "I am. That bus driver just insulted me."

"You shouldn't take that from him," the man replied. "He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would take his badge number and report him."

"You're right sir, I think I will report him."

The elderly man says, "You go on up there and get his badge number. I'll hold your monkey for you."
From L. Marrow

mixed emotions
Q: What is the definition of mixed emotions?

A: Seeing your mother-in-law drive over a cliff in your brand new sports car.
From V. Herman

elderly ladies
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Three sisters
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I gettin' in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."

She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

An older couple
An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.

She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you use to bite my neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed covers and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"
From The Rayners

TWO TOUGH QUESTIONS: Question 1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis; would you recommend that she have an abortion? Read the next question before scrolling down to the answer of this one.

Question 2: Say it is time to elect a new world leader, and your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates:

Candidate A associates with crooked politicians, and consults with anthologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whisky every evening.

Candidate C is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extramarital affairs. Which of these candidates would be your choice?
Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.
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Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt
Candidate B is Winston Churchill
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler

And by the way, if you said yes to answer the abortion question, you just killed Beethoven. Pretty interesting isn't it. Makes a person think before judging someone. Remember amateurs built the ark ...Professionals built the Titanic. "Do not undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others. It is because we are different that each of us is special."
From K. Campbell