HOLE DIGGERS
A traveler in the out-back pulled in for some gas and a cup of coffee.

While drinking his coffee, he looked out the window and saw two workers out in the fields.
One was digging holes every couple of yards, and the other was immediately filling the holes up.

This puzzled the traveler. Curiosity got the better of him, so he went into the field to ask the workers what they were doing.

"Well", said one of the workers, "Me, my brother Seth and my other brother Jed are tree-planting contractors working for the County. I dig the holes, Seth puts the trees in the holes and Jed fills the holes back up. Today, Seth is off sick...

...just because Seth is home sick, doesn't mean me and Jed also have to take the day off."
From L. - USA

The Elk Hunters
Dave and Bo went elk hunting every year. The forest was so thick that they had to hire a helicopter to take them in and out. At the hunt's end, Dave and Bo called up the helicopter to come and get them and the six elks they had shot.
On arrival, the helicopter pilot looked over the catch. "I can only carry half of your catch," he said. "Six elk would be too heavy for the helicopter."

"Last year the helicopter carried six elk," replied Dave. "And it was the same type of helicopter as yours and the weather conditions were exactly the same."

The pilot succumbed to persuasion and took aboard the hunters and their six elk. The helicopter could not gain height and skimmed along the tops of the trees for a mile or so, and then crashed. Fortunately no-one was hurt.
"Do you know where we are?" asked Bo.

"Yes," replied Dave, "about a hundred yards from where we crashed last year."
From Anonymous

Faithful Drunk
A husband comes home drunk at 3:00AM and stumbles upstairs to pass out in bed. When he wakes up the next morning there are 2 aspirin and a glass of water at the bedside, and a note "Breakfast is down stairs honey". When he goes downstairs the house has been cleaned, the Laundry is done, and there is Bacon, eggs, and pancakes waiting for him in the Kitchen, where his daughter is already having breakfast. He asks his daughter "what in the world is going on with you mother"? The daughter replies, "you came home smashed drunk, broke the lamp in the front room, puked all over the hallway, and when mom tried to drag you in the bedroom you push her away and said

back off lady I'm married".
From Jason Wurtz

Quick Jokes
A Robber holds a gun to a Mans' head and says "Give me all your money or I'll blow your brains out!! The Man says "please don't, I haven't got any!!"

School holidays and Dad was driving the Kids to the Circus for the day. He came to an intersection and a sign post read, 'Circus LEFT!' Dad slammed the brakes on,whacked the steering wheel and thumped the dashboard! Junior shouted! What's wrong Dad? Dad said can't you read the Sign? We're too late, They've LEFT already!!

Two Men were standing on opposites sides of a river. One Man shouted, "Hey,how do I get to the other side?? The other Man shouted back, "You are on the other side!!"

Ma Mammy told me that when Ma Daddy was born they named him "BEETHOVEN" but now he's So Fat and Flabby, they just call him "ROLLS OVER BEETHOVEN"
From Hinga Te Rure

Cuckoo
Did you see that a guy had won a million on the who wants to be a millionaire show?

He was lucky in the last question which was ' Which of these birds does not make it's own nest? Thrush, Swallow, Robin ,Cuckoo'
He had to use his last lifeline and phone a mate.
His Aussie mate said "that's easy it's the cuckoo!"
Later ,after shouting his mate a beer he asked "How did you know that ?"

His mate laughed "everyone knows that a cuckoo comes out of a clock !"
From Archie Murphy

Dead parrot
A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, " I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The Vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning moments later with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet then led the dog out, but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook it's head, meowed and ran out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, " I'm sorry, but like I said, your parrot is most definitely, 100%, certifiably dead."

He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

"$150.! " she cried. "$150. just to tell me that my bird is dead?!"

The vet shrugged, "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only have been $20. But with the Lab report and the Cat Scan...what did you expect?
From Bart

One Wish
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp.
He picked it up and rubbed it.

Out popped a genie.

"Ok, ok," the genie said, "you've released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. It's the fourth time this month. I'm getting fed up with granting wishes, so you can forget about three. You only get one."

The man thought for a while and said, "I've always wanted to visit Hawaii but I'm frightened of flying and I get seasick. Could you build a bridge so I can drive there?"

The genie laughed. "That's impossible," he said. "Imagine how difficult it would be. How would the supports reach the bottom of the sea? Think how much concrete and steel would be needed. No, try something else."

The man racked his brains for a really good wish.

Finally he said, "I've been married and divorced three times. My wives all said I'm insensitive and don't care. So I'd like to understand women. Know what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. Why they're crying. What they really want when they say nothing. I'd like to know how to make them truly happy."

The genie thought for a bit. Then he said, "This bridge. D'you want two lanes or four?"
From P. Redman

Wrong Funeral?
Jock had passed away and as usual the minister was reciting his history and attributes at his funeral.

" Jock was a great family man,always helping with the dish washing and housework, a model husband and father,never late out and has not allowed a drop of whisky to pass his lips"

His widow, squirming in her seat, could stand it no more, bent down and whispered to her son, "Jimmy, go on up and look in the coffin, I think we might be at the wrong funeral"
From Archie Murphy

Flying Blonde
A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!"

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and copilot that there is some blonde sitting in First Class who belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The copilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!"

The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason. The pilot says "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak 'blonde'!" He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm sorry". . . gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.

The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and asked him what he said make her move without any fuss. "I told her First Class isn't going to Montreal.
From G.Smyrnos

Old Farmer
An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years and in the back forty it had a nice pond, picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court,etc. The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators."

Old age & cunning will triumph over youth & skill every time!
From D. Elliot

A blind man
A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump.
My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered:
"Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

At The Dentist
A man and his wife went to the dentist.

"I need a tooth pulled out but I am in a hurry so I do not want any pain killers." said the wife.

"You are a very brave woman" said the dentist. "Which tooth is it?"

The wife turns to her husband "Open your mouth dear and show the dentist which tooth it is".
From Alan B