The Hokey Pokey
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for the family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in..... and then the trouble started.
From T. Rayner
IDIOTS IN SERVICE:
This week, our phones went dead and I had to contact the Telstra repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gent asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email. (Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?).
From G Yockney
Dear Billy Joe Bob,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Pa read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. I even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though, Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain, we haven't seen it since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Bubba said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother. Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back, they drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. Your Favorite Aunt
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started".
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?".
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster".
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box and then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster". He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then"....... he sighed and said, "Third... lets put all these Cornflakes back in the box".
From P. Hardwick
Plumber in Russia
In Russia, a worker goes to buy a new car. The salesman tells him that he can pick it up in ten years.
The worker asks what time after ten years can he pick it up.
The salesman, surprised, asks "In ten years, what does it matter?", to which the worker responds,
"I have to know, the plumber is coming over that morning."
From Mrs J Tonkin
A few years ago, we had a pet cat, Smokey. It was decided that a good project for me would be to install a cat-door in the garage so that Smokey would have somewhere dry to sleep during rainy nights. Now, the side door into the garage was basically a wooden frame covered with corrugated iron. So, thinking it would be easier that way, I decided to remove the door and lay it on the garage floor to install the cat-door. Half and hour later, I had a nice hole cut with my tin snips, and I proceeded to install the cat door. All finished, and I went to re-install the door, only to find out that I'd put the cat-door in the top of the door, instead of the bottom!!!! Alas, all was not lost, as I decided I could hang the door upside down, by turning over the hinges, and having it open in the opposite direction. The only evidence of my error was that the key hole is now upside down!
From C. Shearer
first Blonde GUY joke
Finally, our first Blonde GUY joke ... and well worth the wait!
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again". If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.
The blonde opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."
The New Pet
This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (100-legged bug) , which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, he said, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?
A tiny little voice came out of the box:...........
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."
From S. Milner
Do a job well and you get a job for life.
At a church working bee I cleaned out the soak hole cess pits This included getting down into the hole to clear out the out flow pipe after shoveling out several barrow loads of dirt from the hole. My usual assistance to the church is as their accountant - a much cleaner job. At the next working bee my name was at the top of the list and I had been assigned the task of cleaning out the cess pits. The comment was made that I had the know how and tools to do the job.
The following day someone not at the working bee said you cleaned the cess pits. I asked how did you know as they were not at the working bee.
The response was "You always do them"
From D. Walker
Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually my story is much the same as yours. I too have been blind since birth and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful." replied the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you, thank you!", cried the bunny with obvious delight. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw and help you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, you have a forked tongue and no backbone. I'd say you must be either a team leader or possibly someone in senior management".
Needs a push
A man and his wife are awakened at three o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring outside!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?" "I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
An old man
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down.
He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow.
The old man just stared at him.
The young man said sarcastically," what's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot.
I was just wondering if you are my son."
From The Rayners
Another blonde joke
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of provincial capitals.
She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend asks O.K. what's the capital of Otago.
That's easy the blonde replies.......O
From D. Chamberlain
Some short jokes
Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.
A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
A Dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint please, and one for the road."
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
Answer phone message
"....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh-t before
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly;
but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
From T.and D. Rayner
Only in America
A TRUE FACT.... Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER ....
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
A group of friends went deer hunting and decided to pair off in two's for the day. That evening one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Ed?" the other hunters asked.
Ed's hunting partner, Brian, replied, "Ed must have had a heart attack. He just keeled over and died a couple of miles back up the trail."
The other hunters gasped and one guy asked, "You left Ed laying out there and carried the deer back?"
"It was a tough call," nodded Brian. "But I figured that nobody would steal Ed."
The Times We Live In...
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.
"My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
Q. What's the difference between a fireman and a soldier?
A. You can't dip a fireman in your egg!
Q: What is the definition of mixed emotions?
A: Seeing your mother-in-law drive over a cliff in your brand new sports car.
From V. Herman
An English man an Irish man and a Scottish man go to a magic mountain where you go down the slide and shout what you want and you will land in it.
The Scottish goes down and shouts beer and lands in some beer.
The English man goes down and shouts gold and lands in a pot of gold
The Irish man goes down and is going wwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeee
and lands in some pee.
Chocolate is a Vegetable: Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans.
Bean = vegetable.
Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category.
Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.
To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.
Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
REMEMBER: "Stressed" spelled backward is "desserts"
An eye for him
A Man is dining in a fancy Restaurant and there is this gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk to her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man.
He reflexively reaches out,grabs it out of the air,and hands it back.
"Oh my,I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye into place.
"Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together,and afterwards the theater followed by drinks.
They talk,they laugh,she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything,she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a night-cap....and stay for breakfast the next morning.
Next morning,she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!!! Everything has been incredible!!!!
"You know," he said,"you are a perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy meet?"
"You just happened to catch my eye."
From Michelle E.